Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Infertility in the real world

Today I'm irked. Let's talk about childlessness, again. Lately there have been more and more celebrities coming out as infertile, begging people to stop asking about when a couple is going to have kids. At first I was really excited, because it takes celebrities to get awareness these days. Of course, this all changed when I read today that Chrissy Teagan and John Legend are expecting. Less than a month ago, she was telling people to stop asking, and now she's pregnant. So it's pretty likely that she was already pregnant, but keeping it a secret at that time. How the heck does that help spread awareness about infertility?

If anything, it shows that people don't want to talk about something they are fighting through until they have beaten the odds. As a fully-fledged member of the Childless Not By Choice club, this really pisses me off. We don't get to "overcome" childlessness. This is a forever deal. We don't get to "relax and it will happen." We don't get to "just keep trying." We are stuck as outsiders - those people who don't understand real life or true love because we can't have kids. Oh, that "true love" shit pisses me off too. I can't tell you how many times I've seen stupid posts on facebook about how being a mother is the best thing in the world, and that you haven't really known love until you had a child of your own. Seriously? Most people don't realize or are completely unaware that some of the things they say can really hurt others. I know this sounds like a case of #butthurt, but really? The true love comments essentially condemn childless men and women to a life of less love. We're told that we aren't worth true love because we are unable to have kids - no matter what the reason. I could have 15 nieces and nephews that love me more than their mother, but I don't know true love. I could be married to my soul mate, but I don't know true love. I had a step-son that started calling me mom before his own mother, but I don't know true love. See how shitty that one true love comment becomes?

I could curse the person responsible every day for being the reason my husband can't have kids. I could also attempt to cheat on my husband to get pregnant. He wouldn't care - because he'd finally be a father. That's how desperate some people are to start a family. We are looked down upon because we have no offspring. We have been told by adoption agencies that a stay-at-home father looks like a child molester in the making. I have been told that because I'm depressed (partially because of not being a mom) and bipolar, that I can't adopt. We've been told that because we use mobility aids, we can't adopt. We've been told that because we aren't Christian, we can't adopt. Yes, I realize that that there are ways around this. We don't have to use an adoption agency to adopt. But we have to find someone willing to give up their child. We could try in-vitro fertilization, if I got someone else's sperm and the $10-20k per attempt to get pregnant. Some people can foster, and I admire them. We can't do that, for a lot of the same reasons that we can't adopt. At this moment, and for the foreseeable future, our childlessness is guaranteed. Maybe we'll come into a windfall of money in the future and be able to have kids then. Maybe. Maybe.

I'm so sick of the "Don't give up hope" comments too. What hope is there for us? There are hundreds of people in the childless groups I'm in that really, truly deserve to be parents. They didn't give up hope until there was no hope left to give. When menopause set in, cancer forced a hysterectomy, IVF didn't work, life didn't go as planned.... The list goes on. No, I'm not 30 yet. I could have 15 more years to try and get pregnant. There might be a tiny chance that life changes and we somehow manage to have children. And at that point in my life, I'll remember how painful it was to be told that I wasn't worth life because I wasn't a mom. That I didn't matter because I didn't raise a child. And I won't say non-mothers don't understand true love. Because the love we have for the child that will never be can't compare to the love a mother has for her children. You get to see a physical manifestation of love. We can only dream of ours.

So when you look at your children, remember how lucky you are that you have them. There are millions of people all over the world that would give up everything to be a parent. We exist too.

Yes, I'm a little frustrated today, and I needed to vent.

No comments:

Post a Comment