Tuesday, November 26, 2013

One day I won't be so ticked off...

This post started out of sheer frustration. I was mad, angry, and ready to let the world have it. Even told Hubs that I was ready to lock myself in a room and never come out. But that won't do me any good. It certainly won't help my checkbook or my mental health. So what is a girl like me supposed to do?

I don't know. I haven't known for years. I started talking to potential donors this past week, in the hopes that maybe we could start trying to get pregnant soon. But when I got home and thought about it, I got sick to my stomach. It's the first time it's ever happened. I'm used to getting sick after hearing about other people getting preggo. But I've never been sick at the thought of having my own kids. That's the dream I've had for almost 20 years now. So what the hell is going on?

Is my body sick of the heartbreak? Does the thought of not having a biological child by Hubs make me nauseous? Am I freaked out by how life will go as long as I'm off my meds? Am I worried that I won't be a good mom? I have no idea. And it's frikkin' frustrating. I was always so sure of the idea of being a mom, and now I don't know.

I'm reminded of the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind'. I wish we had the ability to just erase some memories or desires. I'd love to erase my desire for a child. It would ease a lot of my stress. I might be able to hang out with pregnant people without wanting to cry. I might be able to hang out with my neighbors (who don't realize that I'm ignoring them because they are single, preggo and chain-smoking...)

I just needed to rant again. I know it won't change how I feel, but I needed to get it out before I screamed. I'm probably still going to scream, but I'll wait til I'm in bed and can muffle the sound with a pillow.

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