Friday, March 22, 2013

Together is all that matters


Over the last couple of days I have made a startling, and somewhat upsetting, discovery. Hubs has these days where he feels 'blah'. These are usually called 'meh' days. I don't know why it took so long for me to make the connection that he could be depressed. I asked him if he could remember when these feelings started, and it took all the strength I had not to cry. 'Right after I moved in with you and realized I needed to grow up.' How is someone supposed to respond to that? My friends and Hubs have been telling me that it's not my fault, but it's hard not to feel that way. Especially when I'm already depressed for so many other reasons.

But as upsetting as that info was, I think it'll turn out for the best. Now I'm looking at it as a project we can work on together. I know that he has a lot of the same crappy feelings I do, so we can fight it together. I know that the whole child-free issue upsets us both, so we can get over it together.

I believe there's nothing the two of us can't figure out together.

I'm open to any suggestions anyone has for activities we could do to make us feel better. It certainly can't hurt to add to our list.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Spirituality and the 'Lynne is Totally Awesome' Weekend

I've been thinking and soul-searching and second-guessing and planning and hoping, as I always do. I need to stop thinking about the future and start focusing on today. I need to find ways to be happy just for today, so I can slowly grow out of this pessimistic lifestyle. It's only hurting and hindering me.

There's been a thought in the back of my head for a long while - I need to reconnect with my inner spirituality. Obviously, since I'm not Christian, that can make it slightly more difficult. But I've found a large group of Pagans near me, and I think that's where I need to start. For the last 10+ years, I've known that being Pagan is right for me. But I don't have anyone to share that with, besides hubs.

Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, I was going to church 3 times a week. The last time I went to a religious gathering was 8 years ago, when I took my ex-stepson to an all-day Witness function. 8 years. I know that there are a lot (like millions) of people that can go that long without it. But I can't. I need some sort of deeper connection to others. So I'm waiting to find a function this group hosts so I can attend. If I go and don't like it, ok. But I have to give it a shot.

I googled 'questions to learn more about yourself' and found hundreds. I bought a large blank journal last night, and I'm going to answer all those questions, one by one. I think it will be interesting to see my responses as time goes on. It can't hurt to get to know myself, right? I don't know if I'll be posting my answers here or not. Maybe some, but probably not all of them.

This weekend is a big weekend. I'm calling it the 'Lynne is Totally Awesome' project. I'm decorating a friend's new office space, and I'm hoping to complete it all this weekend. It's a big project, but I have hubs for manual labor, and I get to set the budget. I made a huge list of to-do's, to-buy's, and to-pack. I believe in myself. I'll be taking pictures before, during and after. Maybe I'll post them.

Well, that's my thoughts for today. We'll see how the weekend goes.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Birthday musings

Monday is my 25th birthday. I don't usually care about my birthday, except for my 16th, 18th and 21st. Other than those, there usually isn't anything exciting about them. But this one has been on my mind more than usual, for several reasons.

When I was a teenager and would get upset about a break-up, my dad would say 'What you think you want now will be completely different when you are 25.' I used to wonder if it really would be as different as he made it sound, but it is. There were guys I thought I'd spend my life with, and now I wouldn't give them a second glance. There were plans I made for my career that I'm not interested in anymore. Ten years ago I was making plans to join the Army and go to West Point. Ten years ago I was skinny and hot and made all the boys at school drool. Ten years ago I thought life was going to go exactly the way I planned. Ten years ago I thought I would be done having children by 25.

What have I learned since then? Life changes. Life throws you curveballs, and if you aren't paying attention, they'll smack you in the face. Plans never go off without a hitch. Sometimes you run into hurdles that feel life mountains. Hind-sight is 20/20. And sometimes shitty things happen that you can't control. And in my life, bad things come in threes.

I try to remind myself that if I followed my high school plans, my life would be completely different, and not necessarily in a good way. If I had joined the Army, I would probably have been sent to Iraq. My current medical issues would have gotten me a medical discharge. I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't have learned about the natural methods of managing my illnesses. I wouldn't have become a volunteer for Power Up for PCOS. I wouldn't have met many of the wonderful women I get to call my friends.

Hubs thinks that since I have been married since I was 18, and lived a fairly sheltered life before that, I should try the crazy things I didn't get to do. The only thing we came up with, though, is to dye my hair a crazy color. Woohoo, so crazy. I'm not interested in wild parties, drugs, drinking, etc. I don't know what I have missed out on, because, although I was sheltered, I was fairly satisfied with my life. I compared my life to his, and he did all the crazy things he wanted to do, and they aren't things I'd ever be interested in.
So I spent some time creating my '30 before 30' list. It seems a lot less daunting than the '101 in 1001' that I tried (and failed miserably at).
30 before 30:
  1. Go Sky-diving
  2. Go Scuba diving
  3. Get my concealed handgun license. Hubs and I are already registered for the safety course in June.
  4. Buy a cute bikini and wear it with pride.
  5. Successfully complete one month as a vegetarian.
  6. Move into a house (or get out of apt/townhomes)
  7. Get a second dog
  8. Take another vacation
  9. Get a nicer car
  10. Pay off at least 25% of debt
  11. Find my inner peace
  12. Create an exercise routine that becomes second nature
  13. Run a 5K - actually run, not host
  14. Teach Spike to dance
  15. Become a Big Sister volunteer
  16. Get a passport and use it
  17. Take a course in something interesting
  18. Get a new tattoo
  19. Learn to play another musical instrument
  20. Become fluent in another language
  21. Get my lip or navel pierced
  22. Dye my hair a crazy color
  23. Learn CPR
  24. Hold a tarantula
  25. Spend a weekend with my sister (no boys allowed!)
  26. Start a vegetable garden and actually take care of it
  27. Start school again for a Master's or second Bachelor's
  28. Meet some of my online friends in real life
  29. Eat a meal made only from ingredients I have harvested on my own
  30. Enjoy the rest of my 20s.