Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Recovery starts somewhere

The last few days have been an uphill/downhill roller coaster battle with myself. I know that it has something to do with my medications - Doc bumped one of my anti-depressants up and it made me angry and violent again, so I dropped back down. Now that I ran out of the lower dosage, I have to call doc and get him to adjust the Rx so I can get more. It's been really frustrating to realize medications are not going to completely fix my problems. As long as I continue to depress myself about our current childless situation, my meds will not fix me. I have to learn to fix myself. I have to learn that I am awesome without being a mom. I need to learn that I don't know what the future will hold, and things could change a million times between now and then. I need to learn the concept of 'happy' again.

Someone in my support group said "You don't need children to be happy, that is just an illusion caused by society". I know that she was just trying to help me feel better, but it doesn't feel that way - mainly because I'm tired of people telling me that I don't have to be a mom to be happy. I know that. I understand it's becoming a more popular choice to live childless, but it's not my choice. But for the last 20 years, I've wanted to be a mom. I'm not feeling pressure by the outside world. I'm feeling pressure from my heart. Submitting to the idea that we may not have kids is breaking my heart.

The first few years with hubs was fabulous. We were having fun, going out to concerts, comedy clubs, dinner at fancy restaurants, seeing movies, even playing computer games together. (Yes, I'll admit it. I really enjoyed playing a Level 70 gnome warlock on WoW.) But for the last few years, I've been stuck. The depression about children has drained more life out of me than I had ever imagined it could. I hate that I've dragged hubs down with me. I wish that my family could understand it, but they don't. So it's up to us to change things.

Last weekend hubs and I watched all 3 Transformer movies. And played hidden object games together on the computer. And it was fun. I miss that. So hubs told me last night that we needed a date night. One night a week where we could do whatever we wanted. We could play games or watch movies, have a picnic at the dog park, etc. But we wouldn't watch regular tv because we do that every night. I picked Saturday night, so work wouldn't get in the way. I haven't yet decided what we are going to do, but I plan on having fun.

I've been having a lot of realizations lately. I like to call them epiphanies lol. While I was cooking last night, I came up with a label for my cooking style - Cook It 'Til It Tastes Good (and eat with your mouth, not with your eyes... - because sometimes it doesn't look good, but tastes awesome. Like last night's black bean and sweet potato chili.) I don't write recipes. I start throwing spices in, tasting as I go along, until I'm happy with it. And I love that about cooking. That's also part of the reason why I have so much difficulty posting recipes on the blog. Since we don't have any grocery money for the month (spent it on unexpected trip), I'm going to have to get creative with food. I have a lot of dry ingredients, like black beans, lentils, rice, quinoa, etc. With most dry foods, like beans, you have to start prepping them the night before, so I'll have to think about what I'm going to eat ahead of time. I hope that it'll get me back into cooking more - because I really love to cook. In another life, if I didn't have all the pain issues, I'd probably be a chef. It's just felt daunting for a while, and it shouldn't. I want to love food again, instead of hating how much I can't have.

It's a long road to recovery, but I have to start somewhere. And I have to learn to overcome the problems and frustrations. But I'll do it. I have to. I might even look into how recovery from drug addiction works, to see if I can apply any techniques to my situation.

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