Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Day planner in the works...
I drive myself crazy with how often I decided I'm going to start making changes, then don't follow through. I HAVE TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CHANGE. I told hubby last night that part of my problem was him. Things are different when you are married. You don't just live your life for yourself, you live your life for your spouse, too. If I was living alone, all the household responsibilities would be up to me. However, as I am the one working and hubby is the one at home, he has the responsibility of helping out around the house. Things such as: I cook, he does dishes. I'm not expecting any more out of him than he would expect out of me if the roles were reversed. I am right in my thinking so far, yes?
Now I clarified that I was not specifically blaming him for my previous failures. I know that a lot (80%+) of my failure is my own damn fault. But being depressed and going home to a ton of things that need to be done is not helpful. AT ALL. When I know I need to make healthy meals, but there are no clean dishes, I get frustrated. When I finally want to tackle a project I've been talking about for months, then get told it will take a lot of work, I get frustrated. When I have to treat my husband like a child to get something done, I get frustrated.
So after I told him my feelings, I told him that I wasn't mad at him or upset with him. I said I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I also told him I felt he needed to hear my reasonings, and that we needed to keep an open line of communication so we can get past this. It was a good talk.
I said all that to say this - I am going to create a custom day planner, and schedule my days down to the minute. I think if I force myself to follow a strict schedule for a while, the habits will be formed and things can start getting better. The day planner will include several sections - food tracking, symptom tracking, activity logs, goal sheets, etc. I will monitor everything that goes on with my body. I have to learn my pain and emotional triggers so that I can avoid them. I have to learn about myself. I have to change my life.
And this schedule will be available for the hubby to see, so he can help me. He doesn't like forcing me to do something I don't want to do. It's not in his nature. But things have to change, and he's got to help me if I'm going to succeed. He is my only true supporter - mentally stable enough to help me when I'm feeling crazy. Although my family are somewhat supportive of my need to change my life, they aren't really helpful. My mom's got just as many mental problems as I do, and depressed people cannot help each other. We bring each other down more than we lift each other up. I can't count on her to go exercise with me. My sister lives on the other side of the metroplex, and sadly we don't have the close relationship we once did. Honestly I don't know that she truly understands the issues, and if she did, I don't know how well she can help me living so far away. And I don't have friends, either. When I can go weeks without a text or phone call from anyone other than my husband and my mother, it's obvious that I don't have close friends. I don't know why no one talks to me anymore - and I've got so many problems now that getting new friends is freakin' hard. No one wants to become new friends with a crazy person with severe baggage. I've also tried using my online support system, but they can't drag me out of bed to do something.
Anyways, I'm trying really hard to figure out how to make this change work. I'm starting the Soul Cyster Weight Loss Challenge again, Oct 1. I can't be successful with that if I don't make some life changes.
When I finish up the different pages/sections in my planner, I'll post them, in case it could help someone else.