Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Day planner in the works...

I drive myself crazy with how often I decided I'm going to start making changes, then don't follow through. I HAVE TO MAKE SOME SORT OF CHANGE. I told hubby last night that part of my problem was him. Things are different when you are married. You don't just live your life for yourself, you live your life for your spouse, too. If I was living alone, all the household responsibilities would be up to me. However, as I am the one working and hubby is the one at home, he has the responsibility of helping out around the house. Things such as: I cook, he does dishes. I'm not expecting any more out of him than he would expect out of me if the roles were reversed. I am right in my thinking so far, yes?

Now I clarified that I was not specifically blaming him for my previous failures. I know that a lot (80%+) of my failure is my own damn fault. But being depressed and going home to a ton of things that need to be done is not helpful. AT ALL. When I know I need to make healthy meals, but there are no clean dishes, I get frustrated. When I finally want to tackle a project I've been talking about for months, then get told it will take a lot of work, I get frustrated. When I have to treat my husband like a child to get something done, I get frustrated.

So after I told him my feelings, I told him that I wasn't mad at him or upset with him. I said I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I also told him I felt he needed to hear my reasonings, and that we needed to keep an open line of communication so we can get past this. It was a good talk.

I said all that to say this - I am going to create a custom day planner, and schedule my days down to the minute. I think if I force myself to follow a strict schedule for a while, the habits will be formed and things can start getting better. The day planner will include several sections - food tracking, symptom tracking, activity logs, goal sheets, etc. I will monitor everything that goes on with my body. I have to learn my pain and emotional triggers so that I can avoid them. I have to learn about myself. I have to change my life.

And this schedule will be available for the hubby to see, so he can help me. He doesn't like forcing me to do something I don't want to do. It's not in his nature. But things have to change, and he's got to help me if I'm going to succeed. He is my only true supporter - mentally stable enough to help me when I'm feeling crazy. Although my family are somewhat supportive of my need to change my life, they aren't really helpful. My mom's got just as many mental problems as I do, and depressed people cannot help each other. We bring each other down more than we lift each other up. I can't count on her to go exercise with me. My sister lives on the other side of the metroplex, and sadly we don't have the close relationship we once did. Honestly I don't know that she truly understands the issues, and if she did, I don't know how well she can help me living so far away. And I don't have friends, either. When I can go weeks without a text or phone call from anyone other than my husband and my mother, it's obvious that I don't have close friends. I don't know why no one talks to me anymore - and I've got so many problems now that getting new friends is freakin' hard. No one wants to become new friends with a crazy person with severe baggage. I've also tried using my online support system, but they can't drag me out of bed to do something.

Anyways, I'm trying really hard to figure out how to make this change work. I'm starting the Soul Cyster Weight Loss Challenge again, Oct 1. I can't be successful with that if I don't make some life changes.

When I finish up the different pages/sections in my planner, I'll post them, in case it could help someone else.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Spike Needs Sympathy... And I just need some crazy pills!

This week is our 'Torture the Dog' week. Today he's at the puppy spa, getting a bath, nails trimmed and fur shaved. Tomorrow he loses his man-hood. Sometimes I'm glad that he can't understand English, because he'd be really pissed off if he knew what tomorrow was bringing.

As hubby and I were laying in bed at 3am, frustrated that neither of us were even remotely close to being tired, we decided we'd try to pull an all-nighter. That way, we'd go to sleep earlier tonight so we could be up early tomorrow to take Spike to the vet. Every once in a while we succeed, and get lots of stuff done. We went to the grocery store, grabbed breakfast at Whataburger, dyed my hair, and watched TV. I had planned on going into work earlier than normal, so I could leave earlier. Apparently I passed out on the couch around 6am. So much for staying up all night. Oh well. At least we got some stuff done.

I had an ulterior motive for staying up all night - I've really been aching for a manic episode lately, because I'm so tired of being depressed. I know that it's not a good idea at all to imduce a manic episode - and I DO NOT ADVISE IT. I will not recommend it for anyone. Manic episodes can lead to varying forms of self-harm, and it's not safe. With that being said, I did it anyway. My manic episodes usually lead to excess spending and spreading myself way too thin. Today I feel like I've been hit with the crazy stick, and have very little ability to stay focused on one task at a time. Since I got paid Monday, take a guess as to what I've been doing today...

Before I talk about it more - I need to clarify one thing. Most of the money I have spent today has been for good reasons.

Hubs took the dog to the groomer at Petsmart, and made the mistake of going to look at the other animals for sale. When I get home tonight, I'll get to meet the two newest additions to our crazy little zoo - two mice. One is white with a big brown spot over one eye. She has been named Coconut. The other is white with lots of black spots, like Spike. She is currently un-named. I'm leaning towards MooCow, but its not official yet. **UPDATE - her name is Dot, like the little girl in Animaniacs!**

I paid my registration for the Power Up for PCOS 5K walk on Sept 29. Since I'm hosting, I kinda needed to pay it.... And I entered the Soul Cysters Weight Loss Challenge. Maybe a group challenge will motivate me to start losing weight again. I also found unpainted ceramic support ribbons that are the perfect size for magnets. I bought every single one they had (came out to about $1 a piece). I'll be painting them teal and selling them on the Power Up website to raise money! I'm also bidding on a set of 24 ceramic pumpkins for the Paint Your Pumpkin TEAL for PCOS event we are hosting next month.

I forked out $75 for a Groupon for the Concealed Handgun License class I have to take before I can get my CHL. That groupon covered both me and hubs, so sometime in the next year we both hope to be card-carrying badasses lol. (Without the groupon we would have spent at least $150)

I had to post before and after pics of the dog. Mainly for your entertainment - he looks so different, and when hubby sent me the pics, I almost died laughing. Before on left, after on right. I'll post better pics later.

Spike better be happy he got lucky... We set two alarms at 6:45 and 6:55 to get up early enough this morning to take him to his neutering appt. At 8:30, hubby wakes up, starts cussing about how we didn't hear the alarm. There was no way we could get him there by 9am, so we rescheduled. Spike got a temporary extension of man-hood lol. He's rescheduled for next Wednesday. Maybe this next time I won't stay up til 3am.

But since I was already up so early, I decided to go into work early. I have plans with hubs and Mom to paint at the studio tonight, so going in early means I have more time to paint. Still haven't figured out what project I'm going to start on. Hubs is already on his second, and I haven't even picked out my first lol. I feel so behind :)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

New Job First Day update - and the resulting pessimism.

The first day of my second job was great. I enjoyed every bit of it. I spent most of the day cleaning greenware (removing clay seams from pottery left by molding process), and got to load up the kiln. I also got to start learning how to dip glaze pieces. I'm not so great at that yet - the better you are, the less glaze you get on your fingers. My fingers were very glazy lol. I think this job is going to go well, especially because you have to have a delicate touch when working with all the pottery. And since I have very little strength in my hands these days, I'm always gentle.

Have you ever met a person or heard about someone who has a fun job, and you feel a little jealous because they get to do such cool stuff every day? That's sorta how I've felt about crafty jobs, like this new one. About halfway through the day it hit me - "I've got that crafty job now!"

But it's times like this that start to worry me. It's not intentional. I'd love to not worry at all. But as I was writing out my schedule for the next month, I realized just how little I was going to be at home. Along with two jobs, the first Power Up for PCOS group meeting is this evening, The 5K is just a few weeks away, and the only days I'll have off this month are Sundays. Sunday will pretty much end up being my 'catch up on sleep' day. So if I'm always at work or some volunteer function, when do I get to spend time at home with the hubby? When will I have time to get around to cleaning the house, since hubs still can't figure out that he needs to do things during the day? What will happen if my RA or fibro flares up again? What if this stupid depressed mood I've been in for the last year gets worse? How am I ever supposed to get into a workout routine if I have no time? If I'm not home, what about cooking?

Yeah, I'm pretty good at being a pessimist. I'd love to be an optimist. Hoping that some of these worrysome questions will answer themselves in the next few weeks.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

September Goals and Blog Hop

It's already September? Good grief. That means that our 3 year wedding anniversary is next month. The PCOS 5K is this month. Christmas is around the corner.

August Goals:

  • Walk at least a mile twice a week (2.5+ laps around BBR pond) No. But West Nile has me eager to stay at home so I don't die. 
  • 3 days without red meat, pork or poultry  No. At least I'm doing vegetarian days every once in a while, even if they aren't in a row.
  • Start oil-pulling again  No. Seriously just not remembering to do it at all.
  • Rearrange dining room  No. But I have sent out invitations for a Halloween party already, so that should provide some motivation.
  • Attend a transcendental meditation info session - Did this! Applied for a scholarship because I can't afford the tuition on my own.
  • Listen to my Circle+Bloom mind-body meditation sessions 3+ times a week (after downloading them again)  No. I downloaded them. Listened once. Really need an mp3 player so I can listen in bed.
  • Complete and sell some of the crafts piling up in the bedroom. FAIL. No excuses, either.
  • Start doing yoga again so I'm ready for my free week of yoga at a studio in Sept. Did a full week, then stopped again. 
  • Convert local PCOS group to a Power Up for PCOS group! (My volunteer interview is this evening!!) DONE! First emPowerment meeting is next week :)
  • Test out the White Rock location for the Sept PCOS walk No, but I'm not viewing it as a failure, because I had legit reasons for cancelling the test walks. West Nile Virus. It's so bad this year that all of the DFW area is getting aerial spraying this year. 
  • Convert my old bakery blog into a recipe warehouse SORTA. Haven't added any recipes, but I took down the bakery stuff.

Carry over from August:

  • 3 days without red meat, pork or poultry - I just started a cleanse today that will have me off meat for 3 days, so I'm hoping for success.
  • Start oil-pulling again - gotta put notes up in the bathroom about this!
  • Rearrange dining room

September Goals:

  • Have a successful 5K PCOS Walk - Sept 29
  • Have the first PCOS emPowerment meeting in the area - Sept 12!
  • Start doing yoga again
  • Use my free week of yoga
  • Complete a one week system cleanse
  • Fix my sleep schedule so I can wake up by 9am every morning.
  • Get a membership to MassageEnvy

You know that pottery job I talked about last month? Well I got it. I start next week. I'm really looking forward to it. I need something to get me off the computer. I'm in front of the computer WAY TOO MUCH.  Funny thing about this job though - I told my grandfather that I got a second job. He's been nagging me about not working enough. I hadn't increased my days at my software job because I can't afford the gas needed to make the extra trips yet. It took several weeks for him to understand that. Then I tell him last night that I got the second job, and he complained. WTF? So I'm just going to ignore how he feels about it, because it's stupid to get griped at for working.

Since I got the new job, I'm having to modify my schedule a little. I'm not used to getting up before 10am, but training at the new job starts at 10am. I need to start coming in earlier than noon at my software job anyway - staying til 8pm is a little... well, rough. I just need to go to bed earlier. 

Guess that's all I have to say today. Join the link up with your goals!