Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A Life-Altering Decision

I've been silently contemplating a lot lately. I'm sure it has to do with getting back on my anti-depressants and I've been taking my fish oil. I've made the decision to put children off for a while. We already know that our options are limited and financially draining. We know we don't have the capability to pursue adoption, and I'm not physically prepared to use donor sperm. So the logical option is to put kids off for a while. It's really been more of an emotional decision because we knew we couldn't in reality make our dreams come true. I needed to think about how my emotions were hurting me.

The self-destructiveness of my thoughts, has really been, well, destructive. When I eat I think, "What's the point in eating healthy if I still can't get pregnant?" "Why should I lose weight? I can't afford new clothes and I still can't have a baby." The baby thoughts have been ruining my life. So I'm going to change all that.

I'm no longer going to focus on what's necessary to have a baby. My focus will be myself and my husband. There's so much to experience in life that would be difficult or more costly to do with kids. So I'm going to start a new list. - my "LIVE MY LIFE" list. Hubs' version is the "BABY BUCKET" list. I thought that was cute, but I figured, for my sanity, I needed to keep all mention of kids out of it. It's a list of everything I want to do without kids. I don't plan on putting a time frame of this new decision. I've been thinking that waiting until our 30's is a good start. That's at least 5 years of fun.

Hubs is content to go along with any decision I make. He seems to be fine with this decision to put off kids. I know he understands my reasons for it, and he agrees that we should do it. I just hope that he's as okay with it as he seems. He doesn't talk about his feelings, so we'll see.

I believe this will have a profound effect on my relationship with my husband, but more importantly, with myself. I'll be posting my list, but I don't think it's a list that will be complete anytime soon.

This decision comes on the heels of some recent changes. My house is getting cleaner. I'm eating new, healthy things. I'm cooking again. I'm unpacking and organizing. I'm gardening. I'm reading novels! I finished two last week! It's little things like this that make me realized something is going right. Even when I start getting depressed, I think about the good things. I'm learning that optimism is healthy.

I even see a change in Hubs, too. We had to start participating in a job search program through the Workforce Commission since we applied for food stamps. Hubs is really trying to get a job. He has a 3-day job search workshop to go to next week. What I didn't originally know was that he was not required to attend. He went to it once in college, so they said he didn't have to go if he didn't want to. He CHOSE to take it again! I told him how proud I was that he made that decision and he just glowed. He was so happy - and that's the way I like him!

So I think things are going as well as can be expected - and better than I thought it would be.