I realized that I don't believe in myself. I was trying to write motivational lines to help psych myself up for a crazy amount of work in the next few days/weeks. Eight lines through, it hit me - "can" is not as powerful as "will". My mom likes to say "The difference between tactful and tactless is less than a word." That resonated with me tonight.
Anyone can say they can do something, but it takes more gusto to say they will do something. I should be writing "I WILL SUCCEED", not "I can succeed". That one little word changes EVERYTHING. Instead of believing in myself, I'm giving myself a way out; a way that I can say "I tried" after failing. "WILL" is definite, final, certain, sure.
At this point I don't have the luxury of failure. I have to get better. I can't drain my grandparents' retirement savings. I can't continue hoping my husband will get a job. I have to take control. I have no one to help hold me accountable. I have to hold myself responsible for the situation I'm in. It was my decision to quit working. I know that I could not have predicted the drastic health problems that would arise after leaving - but I didn't plan for emergencies. I figured out how much I had in savings and how long we could live on it, but did not consider what would happen if things didn't go as planned. That was my mistake, and here I am.
I can't afford to go to the doctor so I have to do whatever is necessary to treat myself. I have to eliminate the root of my stress - my messy, unorganized house. When it's clean, I will eat better, exercise more and feel happier. That will enable me to go back to work. I have to do this soon. I've been out of work for 9 months. I just can't continue doing this.