Monday, May 16, 2011

I Feel So....

Useless - I slept until 7pm on Saturday. That's right, 7PM. I had wanted to go to the botanical garden that day, but that obviously didn't happen. Thankfully I was able to get to the grocery store on Sunday to get supplies so I could make a ton of burritos to freeze. I have a laundry list of things I'd like to do, projects I'd like to complete, and I sit here, night after night, doing nothing. This is the first time I've posted in a week! I was doing great for a while, posting a lot, and now... (Although the new office configuration at work might have a little to do with it as well)

Depressed - Well this one is pretty obvious. I'm depressed that we can't have kids without a lot of struggle, and my period being over a week late isn't helping either. At my psychiatrist's appt today, I brought up the depression. She just said I needed to wait for my bipolar meds to start working. I've been on these meds for 11 months... If they haven't started working yet, why would another month matter?

Barren - I see all the pregnant women or women with babies and all I can think is that I'll never get the chance to be pregnant. Will I ever see a little peanut on a sonogram, or hear a heartbeat, or feel a baby kick? Not anytime soon. And we've discussed adoption before. It's a possibility, but not anywhere in the near future, due to the crazy restrictions and long process. We've discussed private adoption - where a pregnant woman that wants to give her child up for adoption chooses us without the use of an agency - but we don't have the connections to get our name out there. We don't go to church, we have a very small group of friends, and those friends are likely not going to be interested in helping us by spreading the word. I'm sure it's uncomfortable for them to say to someone, "A friend of mine is looking to adopt a baby. If you know any pregnant girls that want to give their baby up for adoption, let me know." Here in Texas, it's illegal to advertise in print and online materials that you are looking to adopt, so we can't be a Penny Saver success story, like in Juno.

I hate this feeling that I'm not a good wife. I don't cook as often as I would like to anymore. The house is a mess, and although it's technically Hubs' responsibility since I'm working and he isn't, I still feel bad because I can't do it myself. I can't give my husband children. I hate seeing how upset he gets when anything baby-related comes up, knowing I can't do anything about it. I used to be normal. I know I can blame all of the on the PCOS, but when I'm doing a lot to try and turn my life around, it's hard to continue feeling this way. I have been working so hard for almost a year now, and although I've lost weight and sorta got my periods back on track, I don't feel any better. I just wish there was some magic pill to make everything all better. I'd pay a pretty penny for that pill, too.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there. I found your blog through Goodnight Moon's blog...I have PCOS too, but not sure what how "bad" it is. I was "diagnosed" (I hate that word) with it in late 2007 and I've worked on losing weight in hopes of making it easier to get pregnant eventually. I'm getting married in July, so we're not trying for a baby yet, but we will soon after. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm sure the older I get (I'll be 27 in June) the harder it will be. I look forward to reading your blog!