Lighting a fire under under my ass...

Today I got the news I had been expecting/dreading for the last few weeks. My bosses want me to start working more hours, and getting in earlier. I completely understand where they are coming from. I need to be more dependable. I partially blame my medications. When I take them at night, they make me sleep like a rock. To the point that a dozen alarms don't help at all. I have decided to take my meds much earlier at night to see if that helps. I figure it will. I've been staying up late so I can spend time with Hubs, but it's causing issues with work. If I start working earlier in the day, I'll have more time in the evenings with him. So if I have to spend a few nights without his company, so be it. It's what is best for us right now, and sometimes we have to make sacrifices.

I have also enlisted the help of some friends to blow up my phone in the mornings. I'm going to find the most annoying ringtone I can and set it for these friends.

So we'll see in the next week or two if I can succeed. Otherwise I'll have to start looking for another job and I don't see that going so well.

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Starting Fat Ass Friday, Again.

I need to talk about weight a little. I got on the scale today because I knew I had gained weight. There's no way I hadn't, considering the number of donuts consumed in the last month or two. When the really good ones are only 50 cents a piece and you have no self control, it's hard not to be surprised. My lowest weight in the last year was 225. I'm back up to 242, and I almost started crying. But yesterday I put on one of my favorite shirts, straight out of the dryer, and realized it has never fit me so loosely. Hubs said he's been trying to tell me I've lost inches. Apparently when we got together, he could barely touch his fingers together during a hug - I know how that feels because I couldn't feel my fingers when I hugged my ex. He said that now he can almost interlace his fingers during a hug. It made me feel really good.

So, screw the scale. I'm going to focus on measurements instead. My new best friend Kat is doing that too. She already threw her scale away. I don't think I can part with mine just yet, but I'm not going to use it as an accurate picture of my body health. Compared to a lot of others, I really don't look like I weight as much as I do. I know people who weigh 40 pounds less and aren't anywhere close to fitting the same sizes as I wear.

So I'm going to start participating in the Fat Ass Friday link up again, but I'm not focusing on weight - rather, how much I worked out.

You can join me and the other ladies!

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Soul mate :)

I've only written this post a million times, but my computer keeps crashing, and since I write it all in notepad, I lose it. But every time I write it, it comes out a little different.

I want to write about soul mates. I know that may seem a little cheesy, but it's my blog, so I can write about whatever I want :)

When I got married the first time, I didn't really know what I was in for. We had lived together for a little while, and it had worked, so I assumed that it would stay that way. But we hadn't gone through too many issues yet. We hadn't lived on our own with no money. When we got married, I had this great little apartment, and he had a good job. But we decided to move back to Texas so he could spend time with his son. And from there, things went haywire. He lost a job because he stole money, had his child taken away because he refused to help with housework or potty-train the dog. After 1.5 years married, I realized that things weren't going to change, I wasn't truly in love with him, and I needed to get out before I got pregnant and was stuck with him for 18 years. I know that sounds bad for me to say, but it really was the right choice for both of us.

So along came husband #2. Although we have lived together essentially from the day we got together, I waited 2 years before marrying him. I needed to be sure that things were going to work out. Those two years living together were like a trial marriage. And although we had our issues, Halloween 2009 made it official. I knew that he was the 'One'. I've never been so truly comfortable with anyone else. But it wasn't until just a couple of weeks ago that I realized he as my soul mate. We were sitting in bed, playing with our dog, and it just sort of hit me. I can't really describe it. It was just like a light switch had been turned on. Or maybe a big flashing billboard over his head that said 'Soul Mate!' For 5.5 years, we have been through very difficult things, from health problems to job loss, and he's still by my side. He could have left when my body started falling apart. He could have left me when I was out of work. Instead, he started helping me even more - bringing me food/drink so I didn't have to get up when I was in pain. He makes sure I take all of my medications. He even cooks for me, albeit he uses the microwave. And he is my life-long built-in entertainment :) I can be horribly depressed, and he can still make me laugh. It's his goal, too. He has put up with me through good times and bad times. He supports me in anything I want to do. He drives me to and from work. He helps me raise awareness for PCOS. Oddly enough, he has been really good about getting random women to talk about their cycles, and helping them find Power Up for PCOS. I never thought that real love would be like this.

I don't really think I have provided any useful information for others on their hunt to find their soul mate. I'm just glad I realized it, and can't wait to see what our future holds. Whether it's good or bad, we'll deal with it together.

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Together is all that matters

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITEST PERSON IN THE WORLD,

MY HUBBY!!!

Over the last couple of days I have made a startling, and somewhat upsetting, discovery. Hubs has these days where he feels 'blah'. These are usually called 'meh' days. I don't know why it took so long for me to make the connection that he could be depressed. I asked him if he could remember when these feelings started, and it took all the strength I had not to cry. 'Right after I moved in with you and realized I needed to grow up.' How is someone supposed to respond to that? My friends and Hubs have been telling me that it's not my fault, but it's hard not to feel that way. Especially when I'm already depressed for so many other reasons.

But as upsetting as that info was, I think it'll turn out for the best. Now I'm looking at it as a project we can work on together. I know that he has a lot of the same crappy feelings I do, so we can fight it together. I know that the whole child-free issue upsets us both, so we can get over it together.

I believe there's nothing the two of us can't figure out together.

I'm open to any suggestions anyone has for activities we could do to make us feel better. It certainly can't hurt to add to our list.

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Spirituality and the 'Lynne is Totally Awesome' Weekend

I've been thinking and soul-searching and second-guessing and planning and hoping, as I always do. I need to stop thinking about the future and start focusing on today. I need to find ways to be happy just for today, so I can slowly grow out of this pessimistic lifestyle. It's only hurting and hindering me.

There's been a thought in the back of my head for a long while - I need to reconnect with my inner spirituality. Obviously, since I'm not Christian, that can make it slightly more difficult. But I've found a large group of Pagans near me, and I think that's where I need to start. For the last 10+ years, I've known that being Pagan is right for me. But I don't have anyone to share that with, besides hubs.

Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, I was going to church 3 times a week. The last time I went to a religious gathering was 8 years ago, when I took my ex-stepson to an all-day Witness function. 8 years. I know that there are a lot (like millions) of people that can go that long without it. But I can't. I need some sort of deeper connection to others. So I'm waiting to find a function this group hosts so I can attend. If I go and don't like it, ok. But I have to give it a shot.

I googled 'questions to learn more about yourself' and found hundreds. I bought a large blank journal last night, and I'm going to answer all those questions, one by one. I think it will be interesting to see my responses as time goes on. It can't hurt to get to know myself, right? I don't know if I'll be posting my answers here or not. Maybe some, but probably not all of them.

This weekend is a big weekend. I'm calling it the 'Lynne is Totally Awesome' project. I'm decorating a friend's new office space, and I'm hoping to complete it all this weekend. It's a big project, but I have hubs for manual labor, and I get to set the budget. I made a huge list of to-do's, to-buy's, and to-pack. I believe in myself. I'll be taking pictures before, during and after. Maybe I'll post them.

Well, that's my thoughts for today. We'll see how the weekend goes.

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Birthday musings

Monday is my 25th birthday. I don't usually care about my birthday, except for my 16th, 18th and 21st. Other than those, there usually isn't anything exciting about them. But this one has been on my mind more than usual, for several reasons.

When I was a teenager and would get upset about a break-up, my dad would say 'What you think you want now will be completely different when you are 25.' I used to wonder if it really would be as different as he made it sound, but it is. There were guys I thought I'd spend my life with, and now I wouldn't give them a second glance. There were plans I made for my career that I'm not interested in anymore. Ten years ago I was making plans to join the Army and go to West Point. Ten years ago I was skinny and hot and made all the boys at school drool. Ten years ago I thought life was going to go exactly the way I planned. Ten years ago I thought I would be done having children by 25.

What have I learned since then? Life changes. Life throws you curveballs, and if you aren't paying attention, they'll smack you in the face. Plans never go off without a hitch. Sometimes you run into hurdles that feel life mountains. Hind-sight is 20/20. And sometimes shitty things happen that you can't control. And in my life, bad things come in threes.

I try to remind myself that if I followed my high school plans, my life would be completely different, and not necessarily in a good way. If I had joined the Army, I would probably have been sent to Iraq. My current medical issues would have gotten me a medical discharge. I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't have learned about the natural methods of managing my illnesses. I wouldn't have become a volunteer for Power Up for PCOS. I wouldn't have met many of the wonderful women I get to call my friends.

Hubs thinks that since I have been married since I was 18, and lived a fairly sheltered life before that, I should try the crazy things I didn't get to do. The only thing we came up with, though, is to dye my hair a crazy color. Woohoo, so crazy. I'm not interested in wild parties, drugs, drinking, etc. I don't know what I have missed out on, because, although I was sheltered, I was fairly satisfied with my life. I compared my life to his, and he did all the crazy things he wanted to do, and they aren't things I'd ever be interested in.

So I spent some time creating my '30 before 30' list. It seems a lot less daunting than the '101 in 1001' that I tried (and failed miserably at).

30 before 30:

1. Go Sky-diving
2. Go Scuba diving
3. Get my concealed handgun license. Hubs and I are already registered for the safety course in June.
4. Buy a cute bikini and wear it with pride.
5. Successfully complete one month as a vegetarian.
6. Move into a house (or get out of apt/townhomes)
7. Get a second dog
8. Take another vacation
9. Get a nicer car
10. Pay off at least 25% of debt
11. Find my inner peace
12. Create an exercise routine that becomes second nature
13. Run a 5K - actually run, not host
14. Teach Spike to dance
15. Become a Big Sister volunteer
16. Get a passport and use it
17. Take a course in something interesting
18. Get a new tattoo
19. Learn to play another musical instrument
20. Become fluent in another language
21. Get my lip or navel pierced
22. Dye my hair a crazy color
23. Learn CPR
24. Hold a tarantula
25. Spend a weekend with my sister (no boys allowed!)
26. Start a vegetable garden and actually take care of it
27. Start school again for a Master's or second Bachelor's
28. Meet some of my online friends in real life
29. Eat a meal made only from ingredients I have harvested on my own
30. Enjoy the rest of my 20s.

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Recovery starts somewhere

The last few days have been an uphill/downhill roller coaster battle with myself. I know that it has something to do with my medications - Doc bumped one of my anti-depressants up and it made me angry and violent again, so I dropped back down. Now that I ran out of the lower dosage, I have to call doc and get him to adjust the Rx so I can get more. It's been really frustrating to realize medications are not going to completely fix my problems. As long as I continue to depress myself about our current childless situation, my meds will not fix me. I have to learn to fix myself. I have to learn that I am awesome without being a mom. I need to learn that I don't know what the future will hold, and things could change a million times between now and then. I need to learn the concept of 'happy' again.

Someone in my support group said "You don't need children to be happy, that is just an illusion caused by society". I know that she was just trying to help me feel better, but it doesn't feel that way - mainly because I'm tired of people telling me that I don't have to be a mom to be happy. I know that. I understand it's becoming a more popular choice to live childless, but it's not my choice. But for the last 20 years, I've wanted to be a mom. I'm not feeling pressure by the outside world. I'm feeling pressure from my heart. Submitting to the idea that we may not have kids is breaking my heart.

The first few years with hubs was fabulous. We were having fun, going out to concerts, comedy clubs, dinner at fancy restaurants, seeing movies, even playing computer games together. (Yes, I'll admit it. I really enjoyed playing a Level 70 gnome warlock on WoW.) But for the last few years, I've been stuck. The depression about children has drained more life out of me than I had ever imagined it could. I hate that I've dragged hubs down with me. I wish that my family could understand it, but they don't. So it's up to us to change things.

Last weekend hubs and I watched all 3 Transformer movies. And played hidden object games together on the computer. And it was fun. I miss that. So hubs told me last night that we needed a date night. One night a week where we could do whatever we wanted. We could play games or watch movies, have a picnic at the dog park, etc. But we wouldn't watch regular tv because we do that every night. I picked Saturday night, so work wouldn't get in the way. I haven't yet decided what we are going to do, but I plan on having fun.

I've been having a lot of realizations lately. I like to call them epiphanies lol. While I was cooking last night, I came up with a label for my cooking style - Cook It 'Til It Tastes Good (and eat with your mouth, not with your eyes... - because sometimes it doesn't look good, but tastes awesome. Like last night's black bean and sweet potato chili.) I don't write recipes. I start throwing spices in, tasting as I go along, until I'm happy with it. And I love that about cooking. That's also part of the reason why I have so much difficulty posting recipes on the blog. Since we don't have any grocery money for the month (spent it on unexpected trip), I'm going to have to get creative with food. I have a lot of dry ingredients, like black beans, lentils, rice, quinoa, etc. With most dry foods, like beans, you have to start prepping them the night before, so I'll have to think about what I'm going to eat ahead of time. I hope that it'll get me back into cooking more - because I really love to cook. In another life, if I didn't have all the pain issues, I'd probably be a chef. It's just felt daunting for a while, and it shouldn't. I want to love food again, instead of hating how much I can't have.

It's a long road to recovery, but I have to start somewhere. And I have to learn to overcome the problems and frustrations. But I'll do it. I have to. I might even look into how recovery from drug addiction works, to see if I can apply any techniques to my situation.

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